Bring wet wipes: Former Qantas captain reveals his travel secrets (2024)

As a former Qantas captain with more than 35 years’ experience, Kiwi pilot Jeremy Burfoot has seen it all at altitude, from mile-high club moments to in-air emergencies.

He’s written a book, The Secret Life of Flying: What Really Happens When You Travel By Air, that, with insight and humour, demystifies the details of everyday air travel. Shining a torch on the intricacies, from the co*ckpit to the empennage, Burfoot answers those complex questions, from how do planes fly, to why does food taste different at altitude?

But the biggest question of all just might be: how does the average, everyday flyer ensure the most pleasant flight possible?

Burfoot is writing another book dedicated solely to this topic. “I’m planning a chapter titled ‘How to not be a dickhe*d’,” he says, with his trademark dry wit, but adds that leaving your bad behaviour and attitude at home can certainly make your travels smoother.

“You may have already discovered this, but if you’re just nicer to people, even if they’re strangers, it gets reflected back to you, and it does make life more pleasant,” says Burfoot.

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“So considering that travel is not 100 per cent pleasant, you can actually enhance it a little bit by being nice to people.”

The pilot’s second tip for smoothing your journey is to invest in noise-cancelling headphones.

“I’ve said this to people, and then they’ve gone and done it, and come back to me and given me a hug and gone, ‘I cannot believe how much better that made my flight’. You cut out the engine noise. You cut out screaming children, and all of a sudden, instead of this noisy environment, it’s a peaceful environment. And also – I explain this in The Secret of Flying – the noise levels on aeroplanes actually make food taste worse. It’s a scientific fact.”

You may never look at a tray table the same way again – another ‘don’t leave home without’ item for Burfoot is sanitation wipes.

“I mean, the best thing would be a flamethrower and sulphur. We are under a misconception that that stuff gets cleaned between flights. It doesn’t get cleaned very much. When tests have been done on aeroplanes, they’ve been found to be a hotbed of germs. The amount of germs on aeroplanes is cause for concern,” he says.

Wipes and hand sanitiser give the user a sense of control and peace of mind. His top tip in this regard is to “wipe your tray table before you eat off it,” and to sanitise your hands regularly during your journey.

Also in the realm of staying healthy, Burfoot says, “you probably don’t want to hear this,” but we should “go easy on the grog”. While free booze is something many people look forward to on long-haul flights, limiting your intake is good advice for better travel. Apart from dehydrating the body in an already dehydrating environment, studies show drinking at altitude increases the heart rate and lowers oxygen levels.

Burfoot’s final piece of wisdom for better travel is to leave plenty of time for connections. On his own upcoming travels, which involve switching between airlines, passing through passport control and baggage claim before entering the airside facilities again, Burfoot says he has five hours to transit – “and that’s a good amount of time”.

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For most people, that probably sounds like hell, but the former commercial pilot says stress is anathema to pleasant travel – and with the world in flux as it is, airspace may get closed causing havoc to schedules, there may be gate changes, and all manner of unforeseen issues. Best to be in situ and ready. Bring a good book.

And as for the good attitude thing and leaving your bad one at home, that extends to leaving the Oodie in the lounge room for nights on the couch. That’s not just Burfoot being your pilot dad. It’s science.

“It actually pays to dress up a little bit, because science has proven that people who dress better get better treatment.”

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